Cooking with Relena!
by Trunks1
Summary: Sometimes being rich is a good thing. Relena gets her own cooking show, with Gundam pilots as the guests. Of course, Dorothy is going to have her hands full. (Relena bashing, implied shonen-ai, doll abuse)


Disclaimer: Blah blah blah...  
Warnings: Relena bashing, implied shonen-ai, even more Relena bashing.  
  
Cooking With Relena!  
  
by Trunks  
  
  
"And we're on in 3...2...1!"   
  
The lights over the stage lit up, showing a small set that looks, remarkably, like a kitchen  
studio.   
  
As the little 'applaud' sign lights up, the audience begins to applaud, although a lot of the fans  
in the audience are sitting, unhappily, in their seats, refusing to applaud.  
  
Neon lights over the stage, saying 'Cooking with Relena!', light up and a dishwater blonde runs  
out on stage, waving and blowing kisses to the audience.   
  
"Hello, everyone! Welcome to Cooking with Relena. I'm your host, Relena, and this is my cooking  
show," the blonde smiles, waving a bit more, before taking her place behind the counter.  
  
The audience, once again, applauds. Well, everyone minus the unhappy fans, whom hold up signs   
reading 'Die Relena!' and 'Kill Relena!', and hiss and boo loudly.  
  
Relena, seemingly oblivious to the hatred in the audience, smiles and leans against the counter  
a little. "Today, on Cooking with Relena, we'll be hearing from some of everyone's favorite  
Gundam pilots. They will be teaching us how to make their favorite foods! Doesn't that sound   
like fun?"  
  
The audience applauds again, although not quite as enthusiastically as when the little sign lit up.  
  
The anti-Relena fans stay quiet, silently plotting the death of the Peacecraft onna, as Wufei  
would so nicely put it.  
  
"Our first guest is, of course, THE Heero Yuy!" Relena smiles happily.  
  
All of the anti-Relena fans begin to look deathly ill, at the thought of Relena being around  
Heero. And, as everyone knows, if Relena is around Heero, then she-  
  
"HHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
-screams her head off, deafening all those around her.  
  
The Relena fans cheer, their heads thinking off all kinds of Heero and Relena stories they  
can write. The anti fans begins to look pale again, although the thought of Relena dying gives them more hope.  
  
Glaring, Heero walks out onto the stage, in his trademark green tanktop and black spandex.   
Several girls in the audience began to cheer loudly, holding up their 'Heero rules!' signs.  
  
Relena glares at them all, as if the mere thought of them liking 'her' Heero was absurd.  
"Heero, welcome to the show!"  
  
Heero glares angrily, obviously not happy to be here at all. Of course, Relena, being the idiot  
she is, doesn't realize this.  
  
"Heero, what are we going to be making today?" Relena asks, smiling brightly at the camera,   
although she only receives more boos and hisses.  
  
Heero mutters something, which sounds an awful lot like 'Relena-shishkabobs', but no one, except  
for the anti-Relena fans, hear it. "Pizza."  
  
Relena wrinkles her nose, a look of disgust on her face. "American food, Heero?"  
  
Though it was barely audible, Heero muttered his answer, still glaring. "Duo likes it."  
  
Several of the anti-Relena fans cheered loudly.  
  
Relena narrows her eyes slightly, obviously not as oblivious as she first was. "Oh?..Well, then,  
we'll make a pizza."  
  
The audience cheers, yet again, as the little sign lights up. Heero glares at them all, which   
causes them to nervously stop cheering and settle back down.  
  
Pulling some ingredients up from below the counter, Relena sits them out on the counter and smiles at the camera, again. "To make the perfect pizza, you must have the perfect ingredients." Gesturing to the various boxes and cans on the counter, Relena continues, "Here, we have cheese, sauce, and crust mix. First, you'll need to mix all of these ingredients together in a big mixing bowl."  
  
The show is interrupted, as Dorothy runs out from behind the camera, clearing her throat softly and whispering to Relena, "Miss Relena, it would probably be best if you followed the instructions in front of you."  
  
"Oh, yes, of course, Dorothy," Relena nods, then waves her hand in dismissal at the blonde haired girl, whom sighs and retreats back offstage to the camera. "First, put the mix and some water together, stirring until it's done, then you put it in the oven until it is cooked. Easy, yes?"  
  
A soft 'thud' can be heard, as Dorothy bangs her head on the camera in frustration, half wondering who had the bright idea of letting Relena cook.  
  
"Next," Relena says, pulling out a rather black looking pizza crust from the oven and sitting it on the counter, "You need to add your cheese and sauce."  
  
The audience watches as Relena pours several bags of cheese on the pizza, followed by sauce, covering the entire burnt crust in red sauce, as well as the cheese.  
  
"Miss Relena, your supposed to put the sauce on first," Dorothy sighs, although she is ignored by Relena, whom is quite happy by the look of the 'pizza' so far.  
  
Sitting the pizza back into the oven, Relena turns back to the camera, "Let your pizza stay in the oven again until the sauce is melted and the cheese is cooked thoroughly. After that, you may take it out and serve it to your guests."  
  
The 'applaud' sign comes on again and a few claps are heard, although most of the audience is looking on in awe at the thick black smoke coming from the oven.  
  
"Now, next, we'll be hearing from another favorite Gundam Pilot, Quatre Winner!" Relena announces, smiling sweetly at Heero, whom is being drug off stage by several of Relena's hired henchmen.  
  
Ignoring the smoke, Relena gestures to Quatre as he walks on stage, smiling at the audience.  
The audience applauds again, half wondering when the fire department will arrive.  
"Welcome to my show, Quatre, what shall we be cooking this evening?" Relena asks, as Quatre smiles at the audience again. "I know, how about we cook some nice herbal tea?" Sweatdropping, along with the audience, Quatre frowns, "Well, I'm not a real tea fan."  
  
Relena blinks, "But that's what your always drinking."  
  
"It's wine."  
  
Making a disgusted face, Relena replies, "You drink wine out of a tea cup?"  
  
"Relena, can we just continue, please?"   
  
"Oh, yes, of course," Relena smiles again, turning to the camera and clearing her throat, "Today, we'll be making some green tea."  
  
A sigh can be heard from Quatre.  
  
Reaching below the counter again, Relena brings up a small pitcher and a box, which reads 'Instant Tea'. "First, you pour the tea leaves into the pitcher, then you add water and stir. Wasn't that easy?"  
  
Dorothy sweatdrops, wondering how she got talked into doing this job.  
  
_____________  
(FLASHBACK)  
  
Dorothy crossed her arms, shaking her head at the dishwater blonde, "No, I will not. I am not helping you on your hair-brained cooking show."  
  
"Please, Dorothy!"  
  
"No."   
"Heero's bringing explosives..."  
  
"......Explosives?"  
(END FLASHBACK) _________________  
  
Oh, yes, that was how.   
It's a dang shame when things like that happen. Oh well..  
  
"Next, we'll be having Wuf-" "Miss Relena, your supposed to have Duo out next," Dorothy interrupted, ignoring the death glares from the Wufei fans in the audience.  
  
Relena frowned, then grumbled, "Fine. Duo Maxwell, it's your turn."  
  
The audience cheered madly, most of them being Duo fans and all, as Duo walks out and onto the stage, waving at everyone in the audience. "Hey, Ojousan!"  
  
Grumbling again, Relena forced a smile on her face, "Why, Hello, Duo. Welcome to MY show, Cooking with Relena! What shall we be cooking today?"   
"Well, Ojousan, I thought we would cook some pizza," Duo replies, smiling widely, then blinks as the audience shakes their heads in warning.  
  
Relena glares, "We've already done pizza, pick something else."  
  
The audience sighs in relief, although most of them are too busy coughing on the smoke that is still in the building.  
  
"How about... Umm... What was it Heero likes to eat? Hmm," Duo began, putting a finger to his lips in thought. "Oh, yes, sushi! Let's make sushi."  
  
Relena blinks, "Sushi? Heero doesn't like sushi..." Then, pausing, she whips out a large notebook, labeled 'HEERO', and quickly scribbles sushi under favorite foods. "All right, sushi it is!"  
  
Once again, she reaches under the table and, this time, brings up a small fish bowl, where happy little goldfish are happily swimming in the happy water. It's all very happy.  
Reaching inside the water, she grabs on of the goldfish and drops it on the counter, smiling at the camera.  
  
"To make sushi, what you need is one small fish, like this one, and one huge knife," Relena says, pulling out a huge chef's knife from hammerspace, but, then pauses and frowns, "Oh, wait, I can't do this. Dorothy! Come kill the fish! I'm a pacifist!"  
  
Stepping out from behind the camera, Dorothy grumbles and goes up to the counter, taking the knife and chopping up the poor fish, mumbling something about wanting to 'kill the pacifists'.  
  
"Thank you, Dorothy," Relena says, putting the fish pieces on a plate and sitting it in plain view on the counter. "And there, ladies and gentlemen, is sushi."  
  
Sweatdropping, as most people on this shop seemed to do, Duo cleared his throat nervously, "Um, Ojousan, aren't you forgetting a few things?"  
  
"No. Now," Relena began, giving Duo a nice shove off the stage, ignoring the sudden 'zero system' look in the Duo-fan's eyes, "Chang Wufei is going to show us how to make his famous Justice Sundae!"  
  
The camera zooms in on Wufei as he walks out on stage, ignoring several boo's and such from angry women in the audience. Standing behind the counter, he crosses his arms, wondering how Duo managed to talk him into doing this. "Let's get this over with, onna."  
  
"All right, first of all, you need ice-cream," Relena says, taking a tub of ice-cream from under the counter and sitting it on the counter, ignoring the fact that it has already melted and is making a mess.  
  
Dorothy sighs, "Miss Relena, Wufei is supposed to show us the recipe."  
  
Ignoring her camerawoman, Relena continues, "Next, just put the ice-cream in a bowl, like this, and your done!" "Injustice!" Wufei cried, but was also ignored.  
  
"Miss Relena, could you PLEASE follow the instructions?" Dorothy pleaded.  
  
Relena sighed, "Oh, all right, Dorothy. Take a scoop of ice-cream and put it in a bowl. Add justice and..."   
Turning to Wufei, Relena raises an eyebrow, "What is justice? Does it come in a box?"  
  
"You are weak, onna. Justice does not come in a box. Boxes are weak. Justice comes in a bottle. Bottles are strong!" Wufei explains, ignoring the strange looks he receives from the audience.  
  
"Yes, yes, blah blah," Relena replies, reaching under the counter and pulling up a huge bottle, which reads 'Justice'. "Now, just pour on as much of this stuff as you want and there you have it. Done."  
  
Grumbling, Wufei stalks off the stage, mumbling something about 'weak onnas and their shows'.   
  
Turning back to the camera, Relena smiles, "Our last guest for tonight is Trowa Barton, unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond our control, Trowa will not be appearing tonight. Instead, we are going to have Heero come out again."   
Giving up, Dorothy grabs the nearest object, which just happens to be a small turtle (Don't ask how it got in the studio. You don't wanna know.), and throws it over in Relena's general direction, hitting the 'pacifist' in the head. "Relena, get Trowa out there now!"  
  
Relena sighs. "Okay. Trowa Barton is our next guest."  
  
The camera zooms over to Trowa, who silently walks out onto the stage and stands, silently, behind the counter.  
"All right, Trowa, welcome to the show. What shall we be cooking today?" Relena asks, then smiles, "I bet you would like to cook something for Catherine, hm? To show her how much you love her? Ohh... It will be just like a romance novel!"  
  
The audience grows unusually silent. The yaoi fans look deathly ill.  
  
"Cathy is my sister."  
  
The audience cheers, loudly.   
  
"Oh, well, then, why don't we cook something for that lion of yours?" Relena asks, suddenly losing her enthusiasm for cooking. Why couldn't everyone just follow the romance books? Some people just didn't like incest, she guessed.  
  
"...."  
  
"Good! Lion food it is! Okay, for lion food, first you want to take one overly obnoxious and boyfriend-stealing Gundam pilot," Relena says, teeth grinding together as she takes a small Duo doll and puts it in a bowl. "Then, you want to take a huge hammer, like so, and mercilessly beat him to a pulp!!!"  
  
The audience, once again, falls silent, as Relena continues her assault on the poor, defenseless Duo doll.  
  
Feeling brave, one of the fans in the audience stands up and tosses a Heero doll down onto the stage.  
Relena, seeing the doll, stops her assault on the Duo doll and dives for the Heero one, scooping it into her arms and hugging it.  
  
Sitting back down, the fan, along with the rest of the audience, falls silent again, even as the 'applaud' sign lights up again.  
  
Standing up and turning towards the camera, which Dorothy has abandoned, Relena smiles, hugging the doll. "Well, that's all for Cooking with Relena! Remember: Peace is good!"  
  
____________________________  
  
Author's note: *bows* I'm terribly sorry about the lack of spotlight for Trowa-kun. I didn't intend for it to be that way, but, look at it this way, at least he isn't on the show more than necessary ^_^ I certainly wouldn't want to be.  
  
OTHER NOTE: No animals were harmed in the making of this story, except for the turtle and the fish.  
  
^_^  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
